Open to dreaming, blind to reality

It's not letting me post to my other blog spot

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:54:13 GMT

VENT! {I’m sure this is a work in progress}

Pretty intense. My emotions are pretty intense right now to have to be writing like THIS again. I'll be surprised if I really actually manage to get words out because I'm so ticked off. So annoyed. SO BETRAYED.

You lying, manipulative, HYPOCRITCAL..... I can't believe how foolish I am. Well, I take that back. I guess it should come as no surprise but still, I'm not even going to let someone else off the hook just because I had a lapse of sight. My guts, my intuition have always seemed to steer me in the right direction but I always ignore them because it's not what I want to hear. Or it hurts too much to see the truth, but really, I guess this time in order for me to accept the truth I have to get caught in the rough. I don't think I'll even be specific here because I'm just so upset that actual thoughts, though I can comprehend, would be just a wee bit harsh to let out at the moment. All I can say is screw all the bastards that put up those fronts that end up hurting people because they're selfish and are out to only look for NUMBER ONE. I may not show all of me but that's because I'm usually scared. I'm such a nerd, such a klutz and can be a bit strange that I'm afraid of what people will think of me, wishing for approval from people that I don't even know. I know it's dumb but it's harmless [to a point, it really just hurts me because I then get confused].

It's not being "over dramatic" when your assumptions were right all along. I know enough to know I deserve better.

Hahaha

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:45:20 GMT

I never use this thing anymore. I'd forgotten all about it until DeeDee brought it back up to me!

Ohhhh yeah, it's been awhile....

I've been working a good half a year at least already at the Humane Society. I love it, it's so refreshing compared to Quizno's. My God was I starting to hate my life because of my job. This one is actually a REAL job where I have REAL hours and I actually have what's considered a FULL TIME job so I get the benefits I've needed for so long.
I've made some pretty rad friends there, which I'm thankful for, especially since I don't really talk to anyone outside work these da ys. In a way it's sad but it feels l ike so much has changed in such a short amount of time.

-My grandma's been in the hospital for what's been going on two months already. It hasn't gotten any easier. =/
I'm working on a new tattoo in honor of her, an addition to my poor excuse for a sleeve.
-I adopted a dog, my looooooooooooooooove, Dudley. =D I want to adopt cats too but I have to wait until after I move... IF I move....
-Oh yeah, I might move into a house... ;]
-Matthew is officially out of my life, it seems. Big surprise, huh? I wonder if there will ever be a day that I find a decent guy. Sheesh, this shit's ridiculous
-I've talked to Chris a lot this year. [Chris being my first boyfriend ever, first love, the one whom we just met too young...]

I think that's all I can think of that's worth posting about. Who knows when I'll do this again? I'll probably forget about it all over again. Hah.

I miss going out. =/

I slept a lot of my day away today....

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 06:46:12 GMT

Thus, now I'm up..... it's almost 1:30 in the morning. Blech, I hate when I do that but here I am.

Maybe I'm just super excited, I really don't know.

*I GOT THE JOB AT THE HUMANE SOCIETY!!!! I get to work with animals, which is what I've always wanted to do!
I had the interview on Thursday after work. Recieved the call for the job offer on Friday and well, have been wondering if I'm just dreaming ever since then!
I cannot believe how far I've come within these couple of months. It's a complete transformation from when I'd been "depressed" and in my slump. I'd been in this slump for a long time, TOO long and though I know what [and Who] is owed thanks, it was all up to me to finally go through with it.

Leaving Quizno's is going to be a breath of fresh air! I've been stuck there for so long, any job possible outside of it had become blurry. I don't know if it's because I got so comfortable being there, or what.
Anyway, I welcome this change along with all of the others:

*After a good month or so of a break, Matthew and I reunited, started talking again and hanging out. He finally met the folks but everything is and will continue to be different this time. I've lost that unhealthy habit of liking someone before I really [and I mean REALLY] get to know them. I've stopped dating and I'm proud of the choice I've made. I can't deny that the attraction is still there but it differs from before. I have attained the mental self-restraint that keeps me from getting carried away with my feelings for anyone. I am appreciative of the singleness God's given me right now and I will use that to take advantage of things I want [and need] to do that I wouldn't be able to if I was in a relationship. Even still, if a relationship is ever produced from all of this it will not be for a while. My decision of courtship requires pursuing then deepening a friendship before any romantic feelings are ever established. Granted, I like what I've found out about Matthew so far, there is still a lot more to find out about him [and for him to find out about me] and thinking and saying I'd want a relationship with him at this point in time would be a premature decision on my part. This new frame of mind has helped me indefinitely though. I'm not "uneasy" if I don't hear from him on an everyday basis the way I used to be whenever the constant contact had first stopped. It's just as important to me that he maintains his top priorities and keeps a level head as I do mine. I admit, it felt good hearing how excited he was for me that I got this job. He was the one who pushed me to apply in the first place.
We don't hang out too much right now and it will probably only be even harder with my new job and his new DVD-Rom where he's learning Arabic for his future profession. Ahhh well, I'm not worried because a]I'm more than confident our friendship is strong enough to handle this b] It'll work out only if God wills it and if He doesn't, then it should not matter anyway. Anyhow, this weekend is a show at the White Rabbit that we're going to. Greg might go; I'm hoping he does so they can finally meet.

*I run constantly and have so far lost about 6 lbs! I just need to make sure I keep this up!

* Every Monday, I go out with my dad, usually to dinner, so we can catch up. This has been happening for about a month now. I'm super happy about doing this because it's vastly improved our relationship.

*My sister comes home for a few days this week. Also to take Little [her boyfriend Adam's cat, whom we've been watching] back. I'm excited, I miss her a lot.

*Because of changing priorities and attitudes [all mine], the "best friend-ships" have sort of been altered. There are a lot of differences in weekly habits that I'm just not into anymore. I got the "partying/getting drunk" thing out of my system with a quickness and so I, sadly, don't get to see many of my friends anymore. I have no idea what this means and it worries me a little. Rox and I mended that fight we had a few weekends back but there's still hostility or something there. I can feel it. We no longer talk on a daily basis and it's not the same when we DO talk.

So that's where I am... and that's where I'll continue to be.

Eventful week....

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 04:49:08 GMT

I only met him on Sunday and I feel like I know him so well.
Tonight, [I was in the crabbiest mood ever, coming home from work completely drained] he invited me out once again with Lou, Josh and Alicia [the friends that I met last night at BWW] and himself to the Cheesecake Factory. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to go at that point but I'm glad I decided to. My comfort level around them grew a lot faster than usual. I was actually talkative this time. Josh and Alicia are the sweetest married couple ever, I love them! They're high school sweethearts from Alabama but Josh was stationed here so Alicia moved down here with him. He just finally got out of the Air Force so in a couple of weeks they'll be moving back to Alabama, which is great for them but it's sad that they won't be around anymore.

Tomorrow after I get out of work, Matthew is picking me up and we're heading to San Marcos. Hopefully all goes well. I love his company.
But I'm not going to sit and wish for anything. What happens happens.
Just remember that, Christina....

My thoughts are as jumbled as my feelings...

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 07:00:47 GMT

This is ridiculous how long this sleep deprivation thing is lasting!!! I'm exhausted but no matter how long, or how still I lie down for I CANNOT fall asleep!!!!!!!
I'm so frustrated....

Every Thursday [or an occasional Tuesday] Matthew goes to Buffalo Wild Wings with his Air Force buddies for Wing Night. He'd told me about it on Sunday and invited me, so I ended up going tonight. I met his friends, who were all incredibly friendly and made me feel welcome. =] Overall, I enjoyed myself, despite the fact that I'm extremely quiet and shy when it comes to people I first meet. After we'd parted ways, Matthew sent me a text saying he hoped I enjoyed my evening because he couldn't tell since I was so quiet. It didn't help that work sucked earlier and I was incredibly worn out. I wasn't hungry at all but he made me get something so I wouldn't be the weirdo who wasn't eating while everyone else was. Ahhhh, the boi needs to stop buying me dinner, it's spoiling me and granted I'm grateful, I don't know what his intentions are: is he just being a good and hospitable friend or is this like another date??? Pfffft, who knows..... I need to just relax and take things slow and quit reading into everything. That's what drives me insane. I do it to myself.

I do however, like talking to him on an everyday basis. I love the random texts I recieve that are asking how my day is going.
I highly doubt I'll see him tomorrow but Saturday is when we're going to San Marcos, so that should be fun, hopefully.

I'll be reporting again soon. For now I'm going to once again, reattempt this stupid sleeping thing.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 20:46:47 GMT

Matthew is the most wonderful person ever. =D
Who knew that people like him really did exist in this world?!?

I hung out with him at Starbucks last night, as well. We've already planned a couple of other things for the week too. He asked me if I wanted to go to San Marcos with him on Saturday to go see This Will Destroy You, so there's our first mini road trip. He's been nothing but helpful, motivational and generous to me since I've met him.
He's the best thing to ever come into my life....

I miss him already.

Wow....

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 04:15:05 GMT

Meeting Matthew tonight was great. Even if he just turns out to be my friend, he's an amazing friend to have. From the get go I was not my usual uncomfortable self. I was able to make eye contact from the start which is something I never do. The conversation never died, he was a complete gentleman, even bought me mints after I just mentioned I wanted something to get rid of the food taste in my mouth [he'd bought me dinner at Chili's prior]. I just said I wanted gum, not thinking anything of it and he just said "We'll take care of that" and we went to Starbucks so he could buy me mints... hah, again. We went to Starbucks before we went to Chili's, just a different location. It's just a good environment to get to know someone in, I suppose.

I'm just happy to have someone like him in my life. I was just in awe the entire night, I find everything about him attractive.... physically, mentally and spiritually.

Hooray for new friends.

My mind is racing and pacing but my heart's learned a thing or two.......

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 20:50:29 GMT

Today [in less than an hour], I have a coffee "date" with a potential future mate.
*knock on wood*

Who am I kidding???
Off to make another friend. Here I go.....

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:00:16 GMT

Still waiting for things to get better, start looking up. Don't think I just sit around and hope for it to come. I'm trying to change things myself but some things just don't want to budge and it's so frustrating.

Callbacks. I want fucking callbacks. Quizno's is driving me mad and I'm starting to hate.... everyone and everything.

Hey, good news to guys. If you like me and I don't like you well it never fails, you always find someone amazing right after. It's crazy really how often that happens. Some guys that I talk to just for a little bit, i check in on them later to see what's up and they're so amazingly happy with some new girl they found.
It's crazy, sometimes it's frustrating because I actually did like the person. Things just didn't work out for some reason.

My iPod broke, stupid fucking quizno's [yes, i shall continue to blame that place]
I'm sick of this place. Texas.

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 23:03:28 GMT

So one of the guys I met last week at Greg's shindig met up with me last night once again at Rebar. It was interesting to say the least, and there's something about the guy that I find real cool and I'm comfortable with but he's 29 and there's some baggage there. I've learned my lesson about baggage. Besides, he's just into having fun right now. It's understandable with what he's lived through already. But I'm still young and [hopefully] have more than enough time to find myself the right ONE. I think him and I are going to become good friends though. It seems that way, anyway....

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 14:07:45 GMT

Things have been so insane lately... words can't even describe. But I'm trying to be more laid back, have more fun. Last night I definitely did. Met two guys too, Christina never does that.

All I have to say is... I was right

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:10:20 GMT

Idiot....

There's a voice in my head telling me why I should hate you, But I hate myself instead.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 22:15:59 GMT

Though I feel I have come a long way with my "confidence" [or lack thereof] I definitely have a ways to go.

For example, tonight I'm supposed to go out with Angel [if you had my old Livejournal, he was the guy I met in December of '04. I liked him but at the same time I was still hung up on Philip because we hadn't broken up too long before that. In a span of two years we've only been able to go out twice.] Somehow, Monday night when I got home I found myself talking to him. I don't know if there's something there still however he asked if I wanted to hang out soon. We decided to set an actual date, being tonight, but the reason I italicized "supposed to" is because I'm paranoid that because I'm so eager about it, I'll get my hopes up and he will either a)call/text/message me and tell me he can't make it out after all b)call/text/message me telling me he's not interested after all or c) he won't try to get ahold of me period and we'll just go yet another year like this.

Ugh. It's Philip's fault that I'm like this because he would always do that [a. or c., but probably because b. eventually happened]. He was never honest with me. He'd always cancel on me or stand me up. =( Now I assume everyone's going to do that. I'm just telling myself that it's no big deal if it doesn't happen. It's just another guy. That's all. NO BIG DEAL!!!!! You've been doing good.... no need to mess that up now.

As of last night he said we were still on but I'm awaiting his reply to my text about the time. I suppose we shall see....

It has been one helluva crazy week

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 21:55:37 GMT

That's the best way to say it. Not all of it was so bad. I'm assuming Johnny and I are no more. =/ It's for the best I'm sure, I never knew what I wanted anyway, or WHO I wanted. I liked Raymond a lot... the fact that we actually got to finally hang out together at the Emery show just made it that more awesome. Apparently there was some mess said the other night while I wasn't there and I called Raymond out on it. He swore he had nothing to do with it. I feel really bad not because I talked to Christie while we were at Logan's last night and she told me it was a mix up and Raymond never said anything. The guys were just being the guys when they found out that Raymond took me home. I also found out that my ex boyfriend tried to date my ex best friend while her and I weren't on speaking terms. Strangely enough him and I started talking again the night before. Ugh, he's a whore. I just can't seem to get that through my mind.

For the most part, life is good and my friends are awesome. I just need to remember that.

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:02:02 GMT

Johnny snuck off base Saturday night to come hang out with me at my house, the last night I had the house to myself. He brought a six pack of DOS XX's and Bud light, psssh forget the bouquet of flowers, he brought me a dozen beers. =] He offered to pick me up something to eat too since that was the whole reason he was going over, so he had a place to relax and eat at.

Anyhow, it was a good night. Spooning is always nice. Unfortunately he has plans for Wednesday, which is very disappointing but I'd rather just forget about it anyway. I guess I'm another one of those bitter people. Whatever.

I just hate the confusion. I want to feel secure and know what I have, or whether I actually have it or not. =[

It sucks that I don't hang out with Rox as much because our work schedules conflict so much. I saw her yesterday and today though which was surprising but awesome. Her daughter is one of the few kids I can actually put up with.

P.S. Jeska and I "talked" last night for the first time in almost a year. I really hope that I get my best friend back. She was MY Christie.

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 07:20:05 GMT

I haven't been up to much. Just the usual being a homebody while my folks are in Hawaii living it up. Heh, go figure. I miss them but at the same time it's nice to have the house to myself for a little bit. When they come home it'll be right back to lectures and giving them all of my money for everything that I owe them.

Things with Johnny are moving at an EXTREMELY slow pace but I think that it's probably a good thing. Maybe this time things will actually work out then. Surprisingly, I got to see him on Tuesday of this week. We'd been saying we weren't going to be able to see each other until MARCH because he's so busy with work and school. I met up with him at San Pedro park so I could help him look for stuff for his Biology class. The park thing only lasted about 20 minutes but we hung out forever. I went to Best Buy with him so he could go buy the Science of Sleep. He then proceeded to hand it to me because he knew I wanted to see it again. He also lent me V for Vendetta which I haven't seen yet. Any doubts I had about him have been dissolved. I have a good feeling about this one. REALLY. So, please just wish the best of luck for me.
I'm so tired of things falling to shit.

Last night....

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:19:35 GMT

I fucked up the side of my car on a fucking truck bumper. =*C

By the way....

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 05:53:29 GMT

I'm really taking a liking to Johnny. =] This time things are definitely going slow.

Hell yes

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 01:53:56 GMT

Erawk calls me today [I missed it] but he said he had to talk about a few things with me.
We start talking online and I find out that he wants to go to New York this summer and he wants ME to go with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said all I would need is a couple of hundred dollars and I'll be set because he's paying for the airfare and everything.
I'm so fucking excited.

I cannot wait. Future home, here I come... again.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 21:21:56 GMT

Going to the movies with Johnny on Thursday was great. =] The being nicer thing is working out awesome too, we had great conversation. By the way, Children of Men is a really good movie.

I was supposed to be off on Saturday so I stayed out a little late with Greg and Steven to drink. Then I get a call in the morning for me to come to work because Sarah is a fucking idiot and only schedules 3 people on saturdays when she should have learned by now that YES, WE ARE BUSY ON SATURDAYS.

Last night I went with Greg, Steven and Jeremy to The Mix, a place that for some reason while the guys hate the place, I actually like, which sucks for me because I don't really have people to go with me then. It's usually always about what they want to do anyway because I know if I ever suggested it they'd never want to go there. The only reason we went last night was because STeven was playing in this band The Transfers for the first time so we went to support him. Eric met up with us, mostly because I saw his ex Brittany there. Poor kid was half out of his mind by the end of the night... =C Went to a party of a friend of Jeremy's and Greg's which was really no fun at all. Damn myself for not being social. Needless to say, since I was driving and Greg and I were both ready to go home, we didn't stay long.

I keep dreaming about getting new jobs which I hope come true soon.

Do you ever have dreams of people that you've never even met once/seen in your actual life ever?? I mean where they actually have some significance to you in your dream. The other night I dreamt that I met this really good looking guy and somehow we hit it off and we were just really... close. The boyfriend thing goes without saying. It's really sad to wake up from such a happy dream because you know in real life that's not the way it is.... and it just makes you feel even MORE lonely... <=/

Next goal...

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 21:59:54 GMT

That is after I get a new job...

I know the school I want to go to. I recieved an email from Columbia University School of the Arts in New York.
I knew for forever that I wanted to move to New York, I just wasnt sure on the school

Yep..... here I go, taking the next step. I'm ready to get the hell out of here!

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 07:06:53 GMT

Hopefully going to the movies with Johnny tomorrow. =]
He called me earlier and asked when I wanted my Rikki-Tikki-Tavi movie offering to drop it off tomorrow and saying that since it took him so long to give it to me, he'd take me to a movie.
We'll see how that turns out, especially since I promised my folks since Sunday that I'd watch my grandma tomorrow night.

I know what I said about how I was going to take a break from dating so we'll just keep this platonic. He probably stopped liking me anyway. I was quite the cynic little bitch last month and we kept getting into arguments. I'm trying to be a lot nicer these days [not so cynical] but then again.... I don't really get out that often anymore to test this.

By the way, work sucks and Sarah just needs to go to hell already.
NEW JOB, WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!!!

Alright so I'm on my way....

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:19:56 GMT

I'm going to stick with it this time. EVERYTHING.

I have a car now and that's a start. It is good motivation that it's car that I've had my eye on. I can finally stop dreaming.... well, about the car at least. Next in line....

NEW JOB

I'm not going to be on this much at all until I get on top of things.
No more letting boys get to me. I have myself to take care of and that is IT.
Except for family. I'm spending a lot more time with them. They even joined Greg, Steven and me at Fatso's for the Spurs game. =] Even Greg said he liked hanging out with my folks.

Yep, no matter how much I bitch... I know I have it good here.
I better NEVER forget that.

WOO!

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 00:52:04 GMT

First entry of the new year, how fucking exciting!
At this time last year I was in Pennsylvania.
Maybe that's why I've been sick. I was sent home from work early yesterday because it got bad.

Fuck it. I'm not supposed to worry about stupid boys this year. For the most part it's working so far. Hah, then again it's only been a few days. Still...
I'm also supposed to be nicer [not so sarcastic] and that's going pretty well too. Greg said I was nicer. Even if it has been just a few days you can tell there has been a drastic difference.
Alex [Eric's best friend from NY] has been text messaging me which was a huge surprise because I have talked to him much... not since I visited him in June. He's doing good, I told him the same.

Haven't talked to Rox since the 28th because of a little spat we had. I realize that I really only have friends THROUGH friends which I guess means they shouldn't be considered real friends at all, huh? If I'm not on good terms with Roxanne then that automatically means I'm not on good terms with Christie or Manuel or any of them which sucks but goes to show where true friendship lies, or in this case, doesn't. Damn, I hate how relying on people and trusting in them gets you nowhere.
I, however, REFUSE to make 2007 a bad year. 2005 was bad and 2006 was just TERRIBLE. It started off great but that's because sadly, it started off living with Eric.
I'm not going to be on the computer that much unless it's to put more music on the iPod, which new music for a new car is AMAZING. I picked up my prescription sunglasses today at La Cantera and they are NICE.... and expensive.
Tomorrow: day off for doc appointment for thyroid and Spurs game tomorrow night with Greg at some bar... or Daniels. Either way, we're doing SOMETHING for the game!

I refuse to stay in this slump!

SCORE!

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 06:46:45 GMT

Hey, I'm normally not so into making Christmas all about materialism but I'm definitely grateful for all that I got this year... more than I ever asked for or even expected:

+2007 Mazda3
+New mats for the car
+IPOD [30 GB]
+$50 gift card to the Apple store
+Portable DVD player and case
+$100 cash
+Many "body pampering" essentials
+SCRUBS seasons 1 and 2
+PEE WEE's Playhouse Seasons 1 and 2 [haha, thanks GREG]
+MUSIC! [Emery, Bayside, Arcade Fire, MUSE, Alkaline Trio]

Not too shabby for a girl who isn't too into materialistic things.... bwahahaha.

It's just a little disappointing that people forgot my birthday. Even family!!! =( That wasn't a good feeling but fuck it and screw 'em. I know that the people who are extremely important to me remembered.... and cared